Our southern border is wide open. American soldiers on American soil are literally surrendering to Mexican troops acting as cover for smugglers. Hordes advance northward while President Trump is preoccupied with expanding Israel’s borders into Syria. The Mexicans estimate that hundreds of thousands of Central Americans will transit through their territory by year’s end. Even Cher is freaking out at this point.
The USA isn’t a sovereign country anymore so it’s time to get serious. Creative means are required to pay for an unlimited influx of poor, low-IQ people because we can’t even afford the Boomers. Pension plans across the nation are trillions in the hole and even Social Security will be insolvent by 2035.
Uncle Sam has the Federal Reserve, but what about our financially-beleaguered states and municipalities? ¡Ay, caramba! They’re gonna need an additional line of credit.
Surely some solution must present itself. Oh yeah, we share this continent with a third country. Since Trump refuses to do what’s sensible—build a series of pedestrian overpasses from the Rio Grande to Manitoba, let’s take some nauseating inspiration from Canada. The True North strong and free! Ready on all fours, retro-viral drugs for thee.
The Royal Canadian Mint recently reissued their one-dollar coin with a commemorative “Equality-Egalite” design by the Toronto artist and viral vector Joe Average. He’s been kept alive at taxpayers’ expense for 30 fabulous years. This national investment has finally paid off in the form of some sort of homoerotic engraving that’s going to circulate through pockets from coast to coast.
At the confluence sexual deviancy and debt, there’s a solution to our looming crisis. Introducing the….Buggery Bond! Simultaneously a righteous acclamation of globohomo values and an infusion of cash. The beauty of a Buggery Bond is that it’d be exempt from those meddlesome ratings agencies. Right now, if a warzone like Chicago wants to issue cheap debt in the form of AAA bonds, it must resort to some problematic chicanery. The only thing ultimately accomplished is to prolong the party for a bit longer.
In contrast, Buggery Bonds would automatically be rated HIV+, which confers a negative interest rate. If S & P, Moody’s, or Fitch had the audacity to dispute, such a contention would render them homophobic. That’s a death sentence for just about any business at this point.
So who’d purchase a guaranteed loss? Anybody who gets threatened. “Bake the cake, bigot” can just as easily be turned into “Buy the bond, bigot.” A whole new world of investment opportunities could get shoved down everyone’s throats. For instance: Bare-Backed Securities composed of a diverse tranche of these depraved financial instruments. Let’s not even get started on derivatives.
The point here is that we’ve got to innovate or perish because it’s not as if we could just have a border and enforce the law.